I had this (naive, perhaps) hope that the door was simply going to open to the years of emotional reclusion I had been in, and when I looked at her I just knew (I could not explain how even to my therapist) that she would be there for me, to make me feel safe, to love me and to lead me with patience out from under the dull blanket of apathy that I'm constantly, and unsuccessfully, fighting off in my life.



From an email to me a long time ago now. I don't think I will ever fully forgive myself for hurting this person. They honestly loved me.

I am in pain right now.

It's horrible, it sucks.

I am going to go finish packing.

I need to start to write here again...for real, not just when I'm unhappy.

Well you're the grand one, have you noticed? All the fella boys are fairly nervous. Well my starship doesn't want me and neither does his wife. I'm glad I caught you on my view screen sailor. You're the grand one, come and haunt me, cause this wooing is one of mourning.


Velvet is stuck in my head.

The wine last night went to my head. I had such an amazing time. Now if only I can remember what I said to the nail girls. Oi oi oi.


I'm tired of this mess, so tired I just want to move and start over, it's easier to clean when there is nothing on the floor.

My Mogwai was fixed yesterday, he's watching me take a bath, he is too precious.


I don't believe in pseudo organizations. I think people are ignorant who do.


I've been reading too much news lately.


My best friend is MIA...I guess that's alright though. I'll be here when needed.


JLo hurt my feelings but I don't know how to tell her, rather it isn't her fault it is her boyfriends fault. I found out from Britty that there was a surprise party for JennLove at Laurens, also found out I wasn't invited. She is my best friend here and I wasn't invited because douche bag thought it would be a big deal because we mutually don't care for eachother. Which is stupid as shit since the party was not about me or him but Jenn. It was really crappy. It hurt my feelings a lot. Then Lauren took her to WTWTA which I wanted to take her and Britt to first since I didn't get to go to the party.
Needless to say, I was(and still am a little) bummed.


And I don't know how to tell people when they are hurting my feelings. I generally just shut up and ignore it or pet them yell and yell at me. Oh well ce la vie.

We'll take the whole shebang all or nothing any way, ecstacy's the birthright of our gang.

Babys on fire, better throw her in the water. Look at her laughing like a heffer to the slaughter.

Do you jive?

Baby, if you want to find a lover look no further I want to be close to you.

I will not play at tug o' war
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses
And everyone grins
And everyone cuddles
And everyone wins.

I've been sick for two weeks and some change, really sick. I just want to be taken care of, I don't want to take care of anymore until I feel better. I don't get why that is such a hard thing to understand.

Bradly and I dated for 5 months before we decided to make it an official relationship and I'm happier than ever that I waited that long to get to know someone. Everyday he becomes more and more of a best friend. We have such a nice relationship because it isn't overwhelming, I see him for a just a few hours a day and on weekends. We always have a lot of fun, especially when we include his best friend, Phillip in the mix. Phil and I have become closer friends, as well. So I just felt like posting random pictures from the last six months...voila.

Grant, Bradly, and John dancing downtown






With Baby Howard and then Baby Howard a few months older.






At the Zoo with his best friend Randall and Randall's Girlfriend Rachel, there are quite a few pictures of them all with their heads in the Orangutan face.



Bradly and myself playing with photobooth on my MacBook.












Trying on the sunglasses I bought for him and at the Halloween store, Batman is his favorite DC character and then it's X-Men and Swampthing for Marvel.







I'm happy. And that's that. :)

Little Miss Howard Ryan Renee is growing up beautifully. She and Bradly have fallen in love. He used to feel awkward cuddling up to her when she was a little kitten and now they sleep together, play Lego Batman together and watch films. Of course Frankie has a thing for boys named Brad so she joins in the festivities quite often.

Yoshimi has healed very well and always greets me at the door when I get home from school. I wish we could have a show and tell day where I could bring him in. I think that if State Board came by they'd be pretty upset with a cat wandering the halls of Paul Mitchell.

About Paul Mitchell, I'm grateful I wasn't on Design Team during September because of a few events I didn't have the strength or patience of attending but bummed that I didn't participate during Scream Fest. I guess that I'm not as interested in Design Team as I thought I would be. I'm more interested in working with James Ryder and Debra Deitrich every opportunity I get. As Debra said, I'm more of a Make-up artist/Hair Dresser than Hair Stylist. I don't mind cutting and styling but I love dressing and make-up. It's more creative and fun because most people don't want their hair chopped up and coloured crazy. I'm rebuilding my kit. I need new make-up and a spare set of shears.

I'm exhausted and have a test on Acrylic(methacrylate) Nail extensions today. Oh joy.

I miss Matthew. I should visit soon.

After a brief few months of having Nicole as a roommate, which, I miss. I have the apartment to myself again and so decided to rearrange the whole thing with the help of my lovely friend Jenn. Here are some terrible photos taken with my phone.




















And here's a picture of some of my boots, yay

Bradly and I have passes to Sea World so we try to go out there as often as possible. I picked a couple of my favorite pictures from the day...




There were a bunch of baby sea lions <3




Our favorite little donkey, the Bud Donkey...he's adorable beyond words!




Bradly has to feed the dolphins every time we go because he feels bad for punching one when he was three. He thought it was going to attack his mom.




Rescued Sea Turtle <3




Feeding the sting rays.




Ol' blue eyes...they look seafoam green in the dolphin viewing area.




The night before, reading Dark Knight Returns with Yoshimi...Shimi's ear is scarred from surgery but it's still adorable.



Love-me

and have been delighted ever since. <3 Yoshimi is happy and healthy Little Miss Howard is huge. My baby sister is outta town for some time. My brother is cooler than ever. My man friends are awesome. My girl friends are better.

I am exhausted. I keep running myself down into the dirt and leaving no energy to get up.

I spend days making things and then days sitting on the couch watching sappy movies and crying while cuddling like crazy with Yoshimi.

I'm in a rut.

I love my roommates. They're the best medicine because they make me laugh and pull me out of the house when I really would rather hide under the covers.EDIT I DO NOT LIKE MY ROOMMATES...they are thieves.

For the first time ever I feel like I am getting old.

That's it.

I refuse to write anymore depressingly, ignorant, stupid, childish entries.

Tomorrow I'm going to post a happy entry with pictures.

Yoshimi just had surgery on his ear and it is droopy and cute now. It is full of stitches and they make him itch :( poor Shimibaby.

I said stop. I hope things stop. I feel like they will, that makes me feel better.

Except that I have strep(sp) throat.

That's all I have to say about that.

Someone very important just disappeared.

I haven't heard from them all day which is very odd.

I'm worried.

to me
to your new friends
to your old friends

You are a liar
a fake
a hasbeen that never was
untrustworthy
unattractive
lacking substance
lacking true personality

I hope you disappear.

I can't wait for the day I do.

I hope you regret every lie
every moment you cheated
every moment you stole.

Good day.

I have a knack for ticking people off. I think it has a lot to do with when I don't want to be a crazy drunk everyone else wants to be a crazy drunk so they get mad that I'm not joining in on the festivities.

People love themselves so much they refuse to see their disgusting habits or repulsive personality traits. I'm just as guilty as anyone else. Well to a point...I can at least admit it, even if I don't work to change it.

One particular case involves a person I wasted too much time caring about. I tried to restart the friendship so many times I ultimately wanted to jump off a bridge. When asked for constructive criticism I gave it. Bad idea. I tried to be nice, I tried to be genuine. I tried to laugh and be cool but of course this narcissistic person remained as previously stated. I'm not even hurt by the situation any longer. I am so cynical it is disgusting.

What pissed me off to the point of just leaving without saying good bye was the bitchy undertone in his voice when he said "so how's so and so?" He had just gone off about how beautiful his relationship with the girl he cheated on me with was and then to, I don't know, try to hurt me he brought up the boy I was interested in. Just as he's done before. He just makes me mad beyond words. I'm not hurt by him at all anymore. I find him pathetic, unattractive and sickening. I've felt like that pretty much since he and I started talking again in January-it just took me too long to realize that.

I am just really pissed off by the situation.

I care, I guess because I'm talking about it but I care about the fact that I let someone I don't actually feel for make me so angry.

He is just another 25yr old waste case.

This is seriously driving me completely nuts and I haven't a clue what to do except just dispose of the entire thing.

I need to move.

I can't sleep. I'm antsy. I have to move in four days and I have no idea how its going to happen. I missed two days of school last week because I tore something in my shoulder and I can't lift my arm. I have three days to finish my boxes, technically two because of specialty and theory. I have clients this week as well and if my arm isn't better I don't know how I'll be able to work on them. I'm submitting some of my art to the next liken show and I'm collaborating on another piece with James. I should post the link to the short we just did. I'm probably going to collaborate with another artist for my alice pieces but I probably won't do those until June. I want to sleep so badly. I went for a walk this morning and watched the sunrise. My stomach is killing me. I hate moving. I want to ride right now but I know I should sleep. I just got clips on my bike so now I can skid. I don't use brakes even though I have one on my bike, now I can take it off though and have a clean frame. I think I'm going to sand it down and powder coat it sometime soon. I'm excited that I get to ride to work now and not have to worry about being late for school. I need a second job though because business has been so bad at the salon. Blah. Sleeeeeeep!!!

The four of them sat on the cold floor in a cocaine haze and cloud of smoke. The room was littered with bottles and lonely packs of cigarettes, ashtrays filled to the brim with half smoked butts and eight thick lines on the dirty table. The debate turned from mercenary's son to immature memories. The boy in the corner started with his recollection of wooing the girl to his left, while the boy to his right remembered the tear stained cheeks and scars from months previous. The remaining boy sat peeling his label off the warm beer he held in his hands. Their high was lingering and their conversation shifting to a downer party and so he put the straw to his nostril and inhaled his two lines. Immediately the drug coursed through his body filling his mind with new topics of bullshit.